Babble Post

Please forgive me for my recent mood. All week I was tripping on hanging out with my dad, as the last time I spent significant time with him was 13 years ago, which ended with me packing my bags and hastily moving to Chicago the very same night we got in a huge fight because of his drinking. That lead to two years (maybe more) of depression, drinking (we were at that age), and long-term mild agoraphobia/anxiety. So I was really trying to just think about this in terms of my daughter, not thinking about my relationship to/with him at all. This was a mistake, as when he decided that he'd rather go home and take care of his dogs rather than meeting and grilling out with the granddaughter he hasn't seen since she was in an incubator, or the daughter who, at one time, worshiped the ground he walked on, it brought back all of the unloved/abandonment issues I had been trying to suppress (but doing a bad job at it). I'm trying not to take it personally and inwards, but it's hard to ignore all that shit the situation brings back up. I'm going to give him another shot, and try and forget yesterday, as I know he was probably nervous, it's just hard to discount his behavior as it is nothing new at all. I'm used to being tossed aside for people, but never for dogs. Especially since it included my girl this time. So I'm a little in my head, as this isn't the only family shit that's going on. Some days I feel like I'm 13 again, which makes me want to throw up. I'll just say I was not in a healthy place at 13, and I certainly didn't have another soul I was responsible for. If I could afford it, I'd be looking into a shrink, just so I have someone to talk to that isn't involved, but we can't even afford to go to the doctor for physical ailments right now. I spent all morning crying then getting mad at myself for selfishly crying. I'm getting the fuck out of this piece of shit house and neighborhood today. I'll be in the knobs of IN with no internet access, so I might not post until late or tomorrow. If I've seemed a little more rigid this week, now you know why. I don't know what I'm going to do because I feel like a horrible parent if I ignore it, I feel like a horrible parent if I give into my emotions and self-doubt/hate. Meanwhile, this shit is occupying enough of my brain that I'm not thinking about much of anything else. I wish I had all the answers and knew all the right things to say and do like so many seem to think they have access to. I'm not a super hero, I'm just winging and I have to be OK with making mistakes, even if others never will be. It's hard being emotionally honest and putting shit out on the table, but I'd rather do that than stuff it and pretend there is no problem at all. I don't want to repeat my parents' mistakes.

Bah. I just remembered I have been tossed aside for a dog before, ironically it was over my Huskie/wolf, which my dad fell in love with back in December of 1995, that started the fateful argument to begin with. So what am I whining about? Nothing new.

This was never meant to be pigeonholed blog, I write about politics, sports, comedy, and whatever the fuck I feel like writing about, so sorry if you're not getting what you expected. Life is so much easier if you let expectations go, because as I found yesterday, even the most basic things like doing what you said you were going to do can even be too lofty a standard to count on. People will usually let you down. All I know is I have been giving others, who don't even have their own best interest at heart, let alone mine, control certain aspects of my brain and heart for far too long, and I take full responsibility for it. Though, none of that means anything if I don't try to do something about it.

I need a fucking vacation from my brain.