I came across this yesterday, which was the first time I'd heard of it, even though it's a year and a half old. I woke up with a sinus headache at 5 something this morning and I was not quite ready to wake up yet because I slept like shit.  I put this on the teevee hoping it would help me to get back to sleep, but it ended up keeping me awake.  This does not have any business being as good as it is. I don't think Lance would be offended by being called The Wokiest, in the best way possible. Even still, he inadvertently makes the case against redemption.  At one point I was like ain't no way he just made a whole ass hour long Evil Fallon video just to sneak in some Red Dead Redemption 2 love, but it works (spoilers for 8 year old game in the video, but let's be honest, if you haven't played one of the best games ever made by now, you're not playing it). Maybe I'm just old and my memory is shit, but he's right, I don't remember ever hearing a single thing about the Horatio Sanz stuff, like none of it. Granted, I'm out of the loop on most things regarding the comedy scene, but I feel like since he was, at one time, part of The Best Show universe I'd have heard something.  But if I'm honest, I am not on any social media, I don't really watch/listen to the show very often anymore, and it's not like they would dedicate a show/segment to it or anything. That would be weird.  I still love Tom and Jon, and all the FOTs, but once they left Twitch, I kind of forgot about the show.  I am just not a Youtube guy. Although, I have been on there more lately because there is currently some good fucking content trapped on that platform. I did watch Tom and Marc talk about Elephant Graveyard, but maybe that was the one show when they came back to Twitch?  I'm not sure. And, of course, I'll always watch/listen to a Wurster call if I catch it, as interplanetary law commands, due to his status as an official interplanetary treasure and all.  It's just once you find your communities/channels/streamers on Twitch there's really no reason to go anywhere else.  Twitch is filled with woke, funny gamer/movie/music nerds, at least in my channel list. Youtube is filled with normies and nazis soooo......

Anyway, as always, Martin Short for the fucking win.

Jimmy Fallon: Evil Incarnate

I may not watch The Serfs everyday, but that's in part because by the time Lance goes live I've often had my fill of politics in my work day. I usually start with Limmy→Struggle_4→Th3Discourse→MR, 5-6 hours of politics a day is sometimes too much. Oftentimes there are several other political people on at the same time, especially if there's something newsworthy happening.  He's another wonderful Canadian nice guy worth watching. He's funny, very smart, and righteous for all the right reason.  You should check him out.

 [Adding, guys, you can avoid ads on twitch. I am not broadcasting how here so it gets removed - I am not talking about adblockers - but if you are not on mobile, and are using a decent browser, saayyyy Firefox, you do not have to watch ads.  I never watch ads.  Although, a few of the guys I watch just don't even have them on (though I don't disparage people who don't/can’t turn them off), or they have them only play in the side window so it doesn't interrupt the stream.]

 If you haven't watched the new Norm Macdonald documentary on Netflix, Norm: The Tale of Norm Macdonald, I recommend it.  It doesn't sugar coat the dumb shit Norm did, nor do those things over shadow the great things he did or who he was.  If you love Norm (and Dave) as much as I did, you'll probably remember those incidents when they happened. I cried at that moment when you can see on Dave's face how fucking mad he was when Norm said he was fired. Dave continued the vocal hate for Ohlmeyer from that point forward. It's every bit as good as the Martin Short doc for comedy nerds, just different.  It sucks having to watch all of those people I've lost all respect for throughout the film, especially after learning they are shameful giant pussies waffling on genocide, or just outright denying it. Apatow does do a good job of making about Norm, and how much everyone loved and respected him as a comic, and not the blowhards/nazis themselves (including Apatow).  There's a Roseanne bit that did make me cry a little because I can't explain how much that woman meant to me growing up.  I agree with her and Metcalf, that Jackie call when their dad died is one of the funniest things I've ever seen on a sitcom.  I've seen it so many times, I can almost recite the entire call (Metcalf was my hero). Roseanne was never quite right in the head, but that was part of her charm.  The National Anthem bit was fucking hilarious to this 12 year old shithead. It's a very sad, dark rabbit-hole she got locked in. Wish she had gotten help from the appropriate people when it could have mattered. Don't judge me, the Conners were all I felt I had as a family at times those last few years in that isolated empty house.  I was a tv kid and she was my tv mom. 

There was about a 5-10 year period when brave people and the universe conspired to reveal that about 60-70% of the people many of us grew up loving and admiring were terrible people and proud cowards.  Many of these same people were apparently too stupid to understand that genuine comeuppance, humility and contrition are a huge opportunity for collective social reckoning and growth. It won't erase what you did, and not everyone can forgive and forget, nor should they, but it's a first step to acknowledging your privilege in that moment. By the time Norm said that stupid shit and then doubled-down, as only a shit head comedian cannot not do, I had not watched much of anything he'd done in probably 10 years. I still checked on him to see what he was up to every once in while, and from what I remember Norm apologized and it didn't kill his career, because he was authentic.  In some circumstances, public humility can eventually be turned into comedy gold when done with care, sincerity and honesty (see Maron and his openness about being an impossible asshole in his early days in comedy).  I unintentionally ended up disengaging from the comedy world because of how muddled it got. Learning that there were a whole lot of known sex pests in the scene and a lot of people knew about it and did/said nothing really made me question what I knew about the comedy scene as a whole.  Made me question how many were bad faith actors trying to change the culture to fit their worldview.  Holy shit, if I only knew what what coming. 

It was the sex pest shit that pushed me away, but all of the boring fucking lib shit during and after Obama didn't help. I just can't with the 10+ years of lazy orange guy bad and dumb, democrats=dumb and lazy but not bad bullshit, it's so Lorne Micheals coded. Yes, I'm sure once Trump is gone this will all go away and it'll be all because the democrats sat on their hands and waited him out.  At best, that shit is so stale it's petrified. At worst, everyone always knew he was mascot and the lowest hanging fruit and chose to confront nothing of consequence, intentionally or not, keeping public discourse  stagnant.  

It's the Disnification of America: Everything seemingly shiny, news and history baby-birded to the public to make it easily digestible. You only get the nazi approved cliffsnotes. We only speak in platitudes, headlines, and golden books now. I mean, you have a nazi who openly facilitates genocide through their show on CNN regularly asking democrats why are they so mean.  That's where we're (still) at.  Where is the constant take down of every public figure pushing fascism?  I don't just mean politicians or politics. None of what is happening is just politics and choosing to believe that it is is HUGE part of the problem.  During the mega corporate takeover of everything, the unfunny and their benefactors saw an opportunity to kill comedy as a tool of the proletariat, and they took it.  Then they put their power behind blaming the victims of sexual abuse, assault and violence to make sure nothing like Me Too ever happens again.  And they're still running shit, publishing redacted photos of victims of sexual exploitation, while hiding the identities of those involved in that exploitation. Right out in the open on government websites, to be disseminated throughout the entire world. Not enough to effectively put a target on their backs, it was to tell those victims and ALL VICTIMS to trust that one will help you.  At a time when every single day, all day long, comics and culture commentators/observers, should be lambasting, ripping to shreds the Hitlers, Oswald Mosleys, Henry Fords, and Prescott Bushs of today, those are the guys signing their checks.

And that bit about atheism and faith is 100% right. If you are truly an atheist or an agnostic, you should not give a shit about whether or not someone has faith. If you want to talk about dangerous organized religions, that is not a conversation about faith. That is conversation about spiritual separation and manipulation for political purposes.  I know I've said this here many times, but no one should care what god(s) someone does or does not believe in, it's none of your business.  It's how you live your life. If you use your faith or lack thereof as a cudgel to beat people with, that's not about your relationship with a spiritual being, that's your lack of faith or doubt in your own beliefs that requires you to force other people to validate your convictions.  Still, not a conversation about converting the faithful.  Don't try to convert me, as I will never try to convert you.

As a kid who loved people that didn't do what was expected of them, Norm made you howl at the shit he would say in that delightfully devilish way he'd say it (that he was a nice looking man did not hurt).  It was like someone accidentally let this genius maniac loose on the relatively mundane SNL news slot.  It was the same way I felt watching Letterman or early Conan, somebody was letting these guys normalize adult comedy and absurdism for the general public and we were all the better for it. I don't know if that had really been done in so many different conventional settings, so effortlessly before that era, as overt innuendo or the bonk on your head, over the top shit that was often just poorly disguised racism, homophobia, or misogyny, was aging itself out of mainstream comedy unless it was drenched in irony or self-deprecation. At least as far as gen X was concerned, anyway.  I don't know if that honest, deadpan style was ever so prevalent in the US as it was in the early 80s to mid 90s. We were so lucky to grow up in a very fruitful and varied age of comedy, with parents who at times shared it with us, other times looked the other way or were too tired/drunk to care if we stayed up until 4 in the morning watching/listening to it.  We had no idea how fucking good we had it.  

C'mon Canada, please send us more of your best. Our new faces of comedy are now old faces. The Boomers have boomed, many have already or are aging out of being relevant with the kids. Especially since so many of them have shown they are dangerous, brainwashed, grifter larpers supporting genocide.  Their legends are still our legends, they don't have many of their own.  A lot of what they've got are youtube dipshits who, through no fault of their own, don't really understand what comedy is or the purposes it necessarily serves in a functioning society. The circle jerk got too big, the money got too good, too easy, which allowed the unfunny, lazy chuds to sneak in the backdoor. Then they kicked out the weirdos, nerds, and smart people, and barred the doors. We only have the likes of Elephant Graveyard, Nathan Fielder, Conner O'Malley volunteering on the front lines, and we know it's only a matter of time before the chuds or their billionaire overlords try to shadow ban them from the physical realm, just disappearing them into the ether. Or they destroy themselves, as it seems to often go with comedy-types.  We really, really need a comedy reset down here, Canada. I know with Trump being a cunt and all, probably no one wants to come down here to help, but please Canada, if you can spare them, send us your best and brightest... and most ruthless.  

 

Dude.  This was a 4 sentence post.  What the fuck is wrong with me.  

10/18/26 4:13 PM 

I hope we're all braced for what's coming. This isn't just about intimidation and appeasing their white supremacist lovers, this is a warning.  Either give me what I want, play your part in my reality show, or things will get worse.  Well, that's the thing under fascism, no matter what, at a moment's notice, it can always get worse because fascism has a false base, always crumbling under its own dead weight. Man, wouldn't it have been great if we'd been calling them nazis all along instead of the letting the violent, wealthy nazis/ethnofascists redefine what racism, fascism, genocide, and antisemitism is for the entire world?  Imagine if calling them what they are was normalized by now, spoken in plain language.  I don't think I ever posted Know the difference between using lower case "n" vs capital "N" but I feel maybe I should because this is a fight for speech.  Certain accurately comparative, historical and impactful words and expressions are NEEDED to fight violent fascism, especially since they own the judges. These people have all the money in the world and they are constantly looking for legal battles in districts where they know they can win, and minimize the scope of free speech even further, so they can sue people out of existence or shuffle them towards the criminal justice system.  Long rambling short: don't call people Nazis unless you know they're publicly in a Nazi identifying party/group and you can prove it.  Little "n" nazi is a colloquial pejorative used to describe people who support/enforce violent nationalist systemic racism/bigotry/apartheid and/or race/enthno/religious political/legal supremacy but don't outwardly identify as an actual Nazi.  Don't use them interchangeably.  If we're lucky, eventually a public fight over the meaning of the word will spark the parsing of the modern meaning of other words/concepts/LAWS as well.  

We need a new word that encompasses all of these movements anyway, one that should reflect the US as one of the modern originators of the  misanthropic industrial-scale capitalist carnage, terrorism, mass abuse/murder we see today. New Confederates makes sense, but it makes them sound like mostly harmless, goofy-ass, racist larpers.  I mean, mostly they are. Until they aren't. Who knew the slog through fascism and naziism would be so fucking predictable and unimaginative? I guess the Democrats certainly didn't and don't think so. Fascists create false/"controlled" opposition so they can stay in power no matter what (see what's happening in some countries in Europe), we know the Democrats did this in 2015 and 2016 just because they thought Clinton could beat him. They're two sides of the same coin, neither represent the people. I just don't know how you properly fight ideas if you're not allowed to be honest about what they are alongside the history of how we got here.

Anyway, I was asking for help from the universe, but then the news of the government filled with nazis terrorizing a beloved lawmaker came on and then the same fucking thought I have every morning came up for the first time today.  Another 24 hour news/social media cycle of the deliberate normalizing of nazis doing nazi shit.  Wouldn't all of this make so much more sense if we just accepted these people are nazis, Nazis, and Nazi sympathizers? Acknowledge that they are not new to government positions or limited to one party, or even a single country. This iteration is just really, really fucking stupid to think that the majority of their supporters would be ok with coming out of the closet after spending the past 160 years trying to convince decent people (and often themselves) that they aren't cruel anti-democratic racists by trying to change the definition of words/concepts that identify and define casual and systemic racism. Wouldn't it explain so much if you recognize these are the same small minority of people who require that the world, more specifically the US domestically and internationally, be upside down, in constant manufactured chaos so they can take advantage of the disorder and do whatever they want?  This is why they still hide behind the tattered cover of the ever absurdly laughable proclamation that the US has ever been a global moral compass outside of the time we became an outwardly antifascist country, which ended as soon as the war was over. Same people who need us to forget America's embeded racism played a huge role here at home and on the battlefront before and after Pearl Harbor. We tried to keep black people from fighting fascists and Nazis, from the right to defend their country.  Even still, as country, we’ve been riding off honorable antifascist stolen valor from "The Greatest Generation" ever since.  Much like the exploitation of the horrors and victims of the Holocaust and WWII are disgustingly held up as a shield from never having to genuinely answer for the racist and deeply delusional ideology that says Israel is the only hope for all Jewish safety. That stealing from, kidnapping, jailing, raping and murdering Arabs and Muslims in their own sovereign states is not only necessary, but always just, while eternally threatening we'll fucking nuke you or throw you under the jail if you don't completely support our overtly systemic racism and genocide and let us do whatever the fuck we want.  It's no coincidence that the antisemitic/racist garbage people have come out from behind the baseboards under their partnership with Israel to purge anyone who simply publicly acknowledges that ethnofascism always leads to violent oppression and subhuman status for an ever-changing, always expanding outgroup by the ever-shrinking in-group.  They've collectively spent a whole lot of time and money trying to change, or at the very least confuse the public perception of the most powerful words and their meanings to exclude any historical or even any real factual context.  Cults don't need facts, that's why they're cults.  

Just another day of nazis entrenching themselves in our government and culture, as it was yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that. As it has been here for 10 years now, some might say 300 years or much longer.  You'd think sooner or later people would wise up that quietly, casually talking about the daily nazi shit the nazis do, watching all of the nazi cable channels/state media, nazi corporate journalists interviewing other nazis that are only on tv because they're nazis, normalizing nazi actions using nazi language doesn't really have the power to stop psychopaths with unlimited money, military (state and private)/mercenaries, propaganda outlets, and the courts. Maybe we should be approaching this in another way, which is actually the same shit I feel like I've been saying my entire adult life.  We need assholes who are ok with getting kicked off these nazi shows, confronting people while staying calm.  Not giving a shit about the person in front of them, or what they're selling.  Fucking with, unsettling them while nodding and winking to the viewer (not literally).  We need leaders who aren't afraid, who point out what giant cowardly pussies ethnofascists are to their fucking faces, whether they're consultants, politicians, or "journalists". That's why they are ethnofascists in the first place, they're scared of their own shadow and cannot withstand any pushback without having a tantrum. And they're dumb.  Really, really dumb. If the democratic consultant class/think tank dipshits had done a better job of finding personalities to confront the nazis during the Bush years, who fucking knows where we'd be now.  Just to be clear, those are the same people on the tv telling us who we should be voting for, the losers who gave us 11 years of Trump, so far. The same assholes that only win off the heals of colossal republican "fuck ups."  Why, if you look at the past 4 decades, it's almost seems like they're always "weak" during the times that the majority of Americans are screaming DO SOMETHING! on purpose. 

They can whine all they want, but they created Hasan because they never filled the void with anyone who matched his energy or passion.  They've only had almost 20 fucking years since Obama and his social media campaign.  If they weren't trying to get him killed, their constant backfiring would be funny. Kind of like it did in 2007/2008.  We need 100 Hasans (maybe a little less self-obsessed), 1000 Scahill's,1000 Goodman's, but they'd prefer if we had none. That's who these people are. They like prop up the nazi media so they can go on and say see, we're not the same kind of nazis as them, we're better nazis. We might not be against pulverization of any and all babies, but I can commit to maybe saying like "it's unfortunate when it has to be done" in a strongly worded letter.  What we don't need is more stupid fucking insulated consultants, old-media-brained pollsters, and assholes who've appointed and branded themselves as respected "think tankers" that always fail upward. Whose brains and emotional maturity never made it out of 1998. No one needs them, except maybe there mom and dad, or kids, who they probably ignore because they breathe, eat, sleep beltway politics.  Ok, that's not fair.  But it's probably more true than not. Challenging and changing the language can be a gamble, but ya know, your level of bearable days is probably not in any way comparable to a whole of other people's unbearable days. You may have all the time in the world, someone else may have days, hours, seconds before completely preventable disaster that the US paid for or contributed to.  Comfortability transposed with normalized constant fear and victimization is a hell of a thing (said the Germans in the 1930s, and Confederacy up until about 1961).

Yeah, anyway, I guess.  I was talking about needing to settle on the new name.  I have a general design, and some ideas of what will go up first, but I just cannot take these scrapes anymore, so the majority of this stuff (if any) will not be up for a while. Sometimes it feels there's a bad writer crawler out there, trawling for the dumbest, most terribly written things on blogger. It is painful to see some of the cheesy and outright stupid shit I wrote. It's nice to occasionally listen to an old song I haven't heard in a long time from the foxytunes stamp, but that's still giving in to the OCD all the same.  It honestly hurts my heart how fucking charitable I was to people who did not earn it at all. I don't think I was full of shit at the time, as I think I was lying to myself to a certain degree about some things, but I have to be honest that some of it does not feel like it was my voice.  I had a rough, vulnerable couple of years, and for various reasons, I decided to broadcast a small portion of it publicly.  That was probably a really bad idea, but it did kickstart writing regularly, which I still do, even if it almost never gets posted here.  Luckily, almost no one saw that old crap. I'll be so glad when a lot of that shit is gone.  

Don't worry, I will still hold myself accountable.  I will post some unpublished old and newerish stuff about dumb shit I did/said or should not have done. Things I said I'd do, but never did. My obsession with making Obama a normal guy when I knew he wasn't. How I kept putting people like Louis CK on a pedestal because I thought he was culturally important as a person who could speak to the right and lead them in the other direction. This, and a little bit of a crush, lead me to ignore internet whispers, in part, because I didn't think there was enough out there to make a judgement at the time. This was the Gawker days where there was an account of a boyfriend wanting to confront him about treating his gf like a piece of meat. I was not aware of any female coming forward with any specific allegations at that time. I think I paid more attention to the Gawker (? I think it was Gawker) rumors about Leto that I'd read around time than LCK's, possibly because I had already always gotten the willies about Leto, and there were women and girls coming forward, it wasn't a second hand account.  Those girls were COMPLETELY ignored, I mean nothing in the corporate media at that time. This was like 10 years ago, maybe more.  I am ashamed and embarrassed that LCK went completely under my radar because one might think that if you were so open and up front about sexual shit on stage, surely you wouldn't be stupid enough to act on your own abusive dom kink that appears to be based in not seeking consent of the other person(s) within your own relatively small community. Which is a stupid assumption. I guess if what gets you off is the non consensual part, then a sex worker can't help you carry out your fantasy. If that's the case, the minimal action that should be happen is that all women should be warned of being alone in your presence. I also believed the tough women who I respected that were still very visibly close to him at the time would have outed him if he was some predatory piece of shit who was known to have a kink that hinges lack of consent.  I fully admit this was on me. I was stupid, short-sighted, and selfish, and I should have been honest with myself that my instincts about people are not always as good as I'd like to admit.  It's especially embarrassing now knowing that at least one of those women is a piece of shit pro-genocide zionist.  Should have trusted my gut with her the first few times that bad faith actor said/did questionable cringe shit. 

Fuck white people normalizing racist language/gestures as not the butt of the joke, but a pointless "edgy" (cringe) thing to say.  No absurdism, deconstruction, no pointing and laughing at how fucking stupid it is or makes the person saying it look, just going, "hey, that's a thing, and you can't stop me from telling you that it's a thing."  Most people collectively said, "OK, no one said you can't say the thing.  You can say the thing, flippantly, clumsily talk about the thing as a clueless person of privilege, but when I think you're an unfunny, stupid, lazy asshole for doing so, don't cry about it."  GUUUUUYYYYSSS?!?!? THIS CRAZY BITCH SAID COMEDY IS DEAD!!?? If you're an adult and you can't acknowledge using the "r" word is fucking dumb and makes you sound like a 12 year old boy, you are part of the problem.  There's no point to it other than to just say it because you can.  You don't give a fuck who it hurts are some of the most vulnerable and victimized amongst us and their loved ones.  For what?  It's not even funny. Unlike "cunt", at least if you use it evenly like you say you do with the "r" word.  How come you don't want to say cunt or cunty every five minutes as a super bro power move?  Because you know when you say it, it's obvious it's a micro dick misogynist is saying it, and you if you say it to the wrong person you might get smacked upside your dumbass head.  You have no use for and don't fear disabled people, so you don't give a shit if they're in on the joke in the joke or not. ***I don't use it to offend disabled people (disclaimer)***proceeds to use it solely for that purpose repeatedly, with only one defense: nu-uh. Are you a r______? ***.   You can't tell me I could simply use 10000 other more clever, creative/interesting, cunning words because I'm too stupid to do that. That's because you're not good at what you do, it's why you're not funny and you never will be.  I am deeply disappointed I ever allowed that stupid word to briefly creep back in my vocabulary as an adult. I hate that it still lingers there in the back of my head in part because these dumbfucks won't let go of the self-imposed cash based delusion that their righteously saving a failed democracy every time they say it.

Anyway, I felt very detached from the world during the first few years of this thing. I'd been a stay at home mom for almost 3 yrs, and was grasping at anyone/anything I found relatable. So much of that shit is hard to read now. I was like 30, so I can't be like, "Aww, man, I was just a dumb kid."  No, I was desperate for connection.  Listless, totally isolated, needing like-minded people to help me to feel ok about my dumb brain at a time when I believed everything I did, said, thought was shit at best, harmful at worst.  Anyway, I'm not getting into it (more) now, but I will post some of that "accountability" stuff on the new site because I feel I need to hold myself publicly accountable.  Maybe I'll post it here, too, before I take the site down.  In general, everything will be different over there because I'll be free of the useless past coming up every fucking day and I won’t have google handler overlords keeping me in check. I might only have until Dec 15th to come up with something, or lose this thing if they deem it's not up to "community standards" anyway.

Every time I think I have the name/concept figured out, I change my mind.  I've got a couple of solid ideas after 10 years of waffling, but a much more simplistic name I like always comes, then I sit on it for too long and ultimately hate them both.  There have been several false starts over the years, some morphed so much I don't even remember what they were supposed to be, when I was certain it was gold at the time. I hate gold, maybe I should say silver.  I think one of the first ones was like Tales from the Bottom of the Well or something, but there was an Australian stage production going on at the same time with a similar name, so it was bad timing and waaaay too long of a name.  And I was in a dark place, I didn't want to stay at the bottom of the well.  Then much more recently (I think in 2021 or 2022) there was DownToOnesAndZeros or something, but that was created with the idea of doing an analysis of how tech is very deliberately being used to easily manipulate unknowing citizens, and to draw parallels to how the wealthy have always done the same thing, just with guardrails. Only now they're are railgrinding away privacy and the presumption of innocence at a breakneck pace to make any authoritarian rules/requirements they want to impose much easier to enact and harder to challenge/overturn.  Again, none of it is it new, public opinion is just struggling to evolve fast enough to keep up due to the stranglehold on all media by fascists and nazis.  Anyway, it just got away from me, I don't remember if I ever even posted anything. I couldn't keep up with this piece of shit and my photos, let alone a new blog requiring a whole lot of research and time. 

My job sucks all my creativity and enthusiasm.  The things I like doing, photo/video editing, are available as a task less and less, as he doesn't add new content to the "learning portal" on the website anymore.  Gatekeeping his content led to almost no one ever seeing it, which means I can't even use that stuff to help me get an editing job, even though I've been doing it for probably close to 25 years at this point.  What is probably hundreds of photos and videos I spent countless hours working on for him will never be seen by more than a few MDs/PAs/APRNs. I mean they're mostly tedious and clinical anyway, it's rare he gives me a tough challenge or anything actually creative to do.  I don't get any kind of credit or anything in publications I can point a potential employer to, even when I took, edited, and colored the photos.  Everything is just Property of... Even when he does give me challenge it's difficult because we don't have matching aesthetic sensibilities in any way.  He gives me no direction. I try to guess at what he wants, I get it wrong. He gives me vague suggestions. I try to give him what he asked for.  He says, “it looks ok,” but won't give me any real feedback.  I just can't get out of these loops with people, which is hard for someone who really needs you to be direct.  LIKE, JUST TELL ME IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT, SAY IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT, AND THEN BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT IT IS YOU REALLY WANT.  I JUST WANT OFF THIS FUCKING SOUL SUCKING RIDE!  Brother, you pay me, I'll create whatever garbage you ask me to, but I am not a fucking MD. I cannot read your mind, and I don't know which "fasciculations" or whateverthefuck in the ultrasound you're looking at unless you tell me. They all look the same to me!  Seriously, sometimes I think he forgets I have no medical training because I've been there for like 14 1/2 years.  He just throws medical shit at me, and I don't know how he doesn't see my dog doing math face when I'm standing right in front of him.  

Also, I don't know if I put up any of those posts this past year, but I obviously didn't quit. That post from the end of last year ("they can't make me stay!") is not back up, but it will be.  I told them I was walking if they didn't give me a $9 (or $10?) an hr raise (after they'd already given me $2 a month before) and they didn't balk, which really threw me.  I was like what the fuck? Why did I wait so long?  I decided since I had to train the new people anyway and our only other person was only able to work from home when she could due to personal issues, I'd take advantage of the raise  I paid off my credit cards, took care of some needed house repair shit and kept my health insurance which tripled in the same year when I lost my subsidies.  But now I've told them January is it.  Every time I think I'm serious about it I get a natural high.  House is going up for sale.  I'm getting the fuck out if I can. I really hope I don't end up homeless. Just realized I wouldn't even have a running car this time.  Why did I just put that into the universe? Fuck. I just want to be free, I want to enjoy a cold winter and a cool summer. I am scared of wildfires, but think it's worth the risk for my overall mental health. Do you think countries would allow a 48 yr old antifascist atheist socialist CIS female to apply for asylum from the US?  I'm not sure if I'm joking or not.

But that also wasn't even why I sat down to make a post in the first place, I got distracted when I got on to this dumb site.  I was here to share music.  What am I like this?  All I know is I cannot wait to have google and their garbage ui out of my life.  The early PS Silent Hill games were great, haven't really played the new ones because my computer is a potato and I don't really use my XBOX or PS anymore. Is SH even on the Switch?  I have no idea, might as well just call that thing Mario, I don't think I've played anything else on it, and I couldn't even tell you what Mario game it was.  What a waste of money. Anyhooo, this mix is on often in my headphones, helps me to get into an open headspace and chill. Or sleep. No weak spots.

I have tried to share this playlist here before, but it just posts the song, it doesn't go to the next one and it doesn't show the playlist. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  It's probably just as well, as none of it is static. I'm always adding seasonal/temporary stuff depending on my mood or removing/moving stuff that I can't find a place for.  Most playlists are not public because I can't ever leave them alone or get them in the order I want, so I just give up on them.  The one this is from started out as a work-time playlist that turned into an anytime playlist and is ever-changing. I've been fucking with it for like...uhhh...8 years at this point?  I don't know, honestly.  Long enough I think I used to listen to it in the office and I haven't worked there since 2019. When I gave up piece of shit spotify and Pandora I created youtube playlists, but mostly just obsess over one of them.  I change it pretty frequently, often based upon the calendar's current proximity to the summer.  

Summer writing and mood cycles typically start and end the same: [first day I have to turn on the goddamn air conditioner] Ok, here it comes. I'm going start playing my winter/snowy games ahead of time, get in a good frame of mind. I'm gonna write SO MUCH. I'm going to swim, dance, exercise, ride my natural endorphins to October 1st!→[second day of temp over 90] Welp, I’m done. This is miserable. I still haven't played any games. All I'm writing is whiny self-indulgent garbage and doom. I don't want to go outside, it's too hot. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to write.  Why can't I write?  Angst is my fuel. →FUUCK! [Sometime around mid-late July] Starts looking at property in AK, MN, ME. Searches DDGo Will the US let me move to Canada? Will Canada let me buy land/house before job? How get job in Canada? How get job in Antarctica? Cold places that don't hate Americans. Do Greenlandics hate all Americans now? This in between feverishly writing about how fucked we are, deep trauma and wondering why this universe and its psychopaths must torment those who just want to live their lives and be left the fuck alone?→ [Sometime around mid-late August] Fuck this, fuck everyone, everything sucks. I suck, I am a drag on everyone and everything...I am gross... I am exhausting...I exhaust me.  Why am I *still* like this?... Oh, a fresh bowl!... Look, a squishy baby cat! Eat. Sleep. Repeat→[End of Sept] It's coming I can feel it, smell it, just a few more days→[Wakes up from mental hibernation] ***Deep breath out the back door, in through the nose, out through the mouth*** Holy shit, we all collectively made it. October seems less and less certain every end of the blooming year.  Optimism has a lovely scent. Time to cook, exercise, go through shit, fix stuff, share, write, write, write. Film?  Photos? Alone things? Hike? Shows?  So much energy in October. I literally almost just wrote cocktober, seriously. Is that a thing?  It should be.  Sorry.

All of this garbage gets reflected into what we're listening to here in the house.  I probably shouldn't say we, I guess. She's never here any more.  I think she's quiet moving.  I feel like one of these days I'm going to realize that things are slowly going missing in her room and office until one day I wake up, go see if she's here and her bed is gone.  I'll be like, "Hey, you movin' out?"  And she'll be like,"What? No!?  I'm just letting a friend borrow my bed for a few months!" "What about your gaming PC that weighs 50 lbs and is fragile, where's that now?" "At a friend's!  LAN Parties! Sooo many LAN parties." With a totally straight face, as I choose to ignore her obvious tells.  She's a dork, she won't tell me shit for the weirdest reasons she makes or blows up in her head.  She'll hide something very badly if she thinks it might hurt my feelings, or I'll be even slightly disappointed in her decision, even though she knows it hurts more to intentionally and go out of her way to sort of keep obvious things from me for reasons. She knows I may give my opinion sometimes (increasingly trying not to), but I try not to judge, always support her, and rarely get pissed, even when she does dumb shit that should require a wake up call.  It's fine, if that's what she needs to do for independence, at least she's still talking to me.  I was in a bad place at 21 and I don't I think I really talked to anyone in my family very much during 1999/2000, as I lived on the other side of the country from anyone.  She's doing just fine, we're still very close, and honestly, it makes it easier to not get involved at all in her personal/work life.  Let her make her own good decisions, gain the confidence from them. Make her own mistakes, face consequences to learn from.  She knows I'm always here.  

It's just weird here in the house.  The cats are mostly old now (8 and up), so most of the time they just sleep all day. It's quiet when I don't have my headphones on, which is less and less often. I don't know why my Halloween playlist is not on yet [fixing that now]. This ipod is on it's last leg, maybe I should try to replace the battery. If I fuck this thing up they are not cheap to replace.  I only buy used phones, and am many iphones behind, so it doesn't have enough space for everything. Anyway, with music on, I can write for hours without interruption.  Right on cue, I wrote that literally as the dickhead old lady cat came in here to prove me wrong [I love her,  but she has been an asshole for the 13 years we've had her, she was thrown out of a car in a trash bag she had to claw her way out of, so she gets a pass]. This is why I wear headphones 90% of my wake time. That and the adorable ding-dong giant fluffball next door that barks as leaves are falling from the trees. But I am motivated, and I might even start trying new things and ideas I've had in my head for years. I have all this music and recording equipment from the 70s and 80s I inherited 7 yrs ago from my dad and haven't really touched that am going to get out and test to see if it works.  Where that goes, I don't know yet, but I did by ableton about a year ago and have yet to really do anything with it.

 I am quitting my without a job lined up, which feels really stupid and is very stressful, but I've got a little money saved that should last me a few months until I can find something.  I just have to decide if I am serious about applying up north, and how far north, because it likely means moving on my own, which is pretty scary for lots of reasons. On one hand it feels like giving up on something, on the other hand it feels like I have to because I need to learn to live alone happily, or at least contently, and I'll never do that here.  What I'm giving up on, I'm not sure yet, but I hope it turns out to be all of the shit in my head and heart that is weighing me down.

Anyway.  Help, I need help, I am missing a key piece that feels like it's right on the edge of my brain, like I'll know it as soon as I see/hear it.  Kind of like the tattoo I've been waiting 16 years to cover up because I can't find the perfect thing.  Uh-oh, that's a shitty thought. Am I never going to make a decision? I can't get the fucking domain until I make a decision. Universe, please, I need to move on from this place. It's feels like 30 year old me is encased in the writings from my early teens like a tomb.  Except it's not.  It's worse. Instead it's old lady me handcuffed to 30 year old me that is, in some ways, more embarrassing than the poetry of 13 year old me. Too much cringe shit. 

How does one learn to voluntarily dEciDe things?

As far as the nazi shit goes, watch the Good Liars, they are putting out good stuff all of the time.  I don't mean Jason and Davram are nazis, I mean they talk to them every time they go out.  We have to stop thinking that nazis and fascists are frothing at the mouth rabid dogs waiting for an opportunity to kill their appointed boogie man.  Those people exist, but they are not the majority.  They're just loud because that's their role, to make themselves sound bigger, tougher, and to prove to themselves and their dad that they're not a pussy.  A lot of them are even more simple and surfaced than that. They're never challenged in their daily life, so they don't think deeply about the shit they regurgitate. There is a reason fascists can never take or create power without using fear, inclusion/exclusivity and exclusion/exile as a reward/threat, and lazy/convenient thinking within a larger majority.  Most people don't have the energy, time, practical daily exercise, or motivation to have their entire life revolve around hate and supremacy over others. It's just a lazy deliberately socially programmed response to exhaustion and feeling bewildered. I feel like we could have a man on the streets of Frankfurt 1936 or Atlanta in 1860 or 1875 and you'd find these kinds of people saying the same kinds of things. Only they are in the club, the rest of us are chumps.  If you carve out and control a portion of a population to task with carrying out your bidding, you can do whatever you want with them when the "opposition" is complacent or complicit and the general population is apathetic. Use them, abuse them, command them.  It's a fucking cult.  Jason and Davram are such patient, patient men. 

"...are they nazis or are they mentally unstable?"  Yes. When believing in one objectively terrible person, that you live and die for dictates your entire personality, how you see and interact with the world and it's other inhabitants, you are in a cult. For the most part, people who are relatively mentally stable and are operating from a secure place don't usually seek out the warmth and comfort of a cult and cult like figures for validation and meaning in order to hand their lives over to them. 

This was the most babbling, nonsensical post I've put up in while, which is saying a lot. Probably won't stay up long if I'm being honest with myself. It never ends up as funny as I want to be, it's never as serious as I need it to be.

 From Dropsite News

Goodman speaks with Scahill:

Minab Massacre: Jeremy Scahill on Iranian "School That Became a Grave" After U.S. Bombing

The RAF Fairford Video They Want To Ban From DDN

 

 I don't think I ever posted this.

Please spread the word about this movie to normies:

 

9/28/26 3:50 PM 

 How did it get this bad? from Second Thought