Leaving

This was written last night, I thought I posted it already. The short update is my neck is still in a lot of pain, but a little better than it was. That's not saying much, though. Now I'm contemplating going to an emergency care center, calling my family practitioner, or just leaving and trying to endure the aching and discomfort (which is not really an option at this point because it’s not a pain I can ignore, it’s constantly there). And of course, the worsening panic attacks (I’ve noticed being sick or in physical pain can exacerbate them) are telling me to just say fuck it, it’s too far of a drive, save the money. The reality is that I won't be able to take anything that will help while I'm driving other than Naproxen (Aleve), which has done nothing except dampen the headaches my neck and shoulder strain are causing, so, of course, I’m leaning toward not wasting my time and money at the doctor. I can’t help but expect that if my neck is in such horrible shape after only covering less than half the distance and drive time to CO, which was even broken up over Saturday and Sunday, that I'll spend the entire time out there in such horrible pain I won't want to do any of the things that I plan on doing, only to have to face driving back.

The last time I was in this much pain was after a bad car accident in 1999, which fucked me up for months. This has been going on for weeks now, and I can’t pinpoint any injury, I just know there is a gigantic ball on my neck where my head and spine meet. It’s been there for a long time, it used to be the size of a golf ball, now it feels like the size of a tennis ball. Of course, this indecision and uncertainty is freaking me out. I keep trying to ignore the urge to consider staying home, and reading about how much shit I won't be able to do since I'm a non-credentialed nobody isn't helping. Neither is reading the number estimates of people believed to be in Denver for the convention. At this point I just don’t know what the fuck to do.

And on top of that bullshit, we just figured that no one took care of the registration on the car, the tags expired in July. So I'll have to deal with that at some point today, too. What a fucking disaster getting out of here is turning out to be.

Last night:
Well, as usual, absolutely nothing has gone as planned over the last 48 hours. I was supposed to be on the road by noon today, but was still on my way home from Tennessee at that time. Adding 7 hours to the 16-20 that I'm going to have to drive in the next 24 hours was not very smart. My neck was already so fucked up that I had only slept around 10-12 hours over the last 3 days, only last night I didn’t sleep mainly because of a snoring house. I swear, I thought about recording it just so others could witness the absurdity of 3 open floors of people snoring. And fucking sofa beds, I don't know why the hell they even make those things, might as well lay on the ground, stick two metal rods under your back, make a slight divot to lay your head into, and call it a bed. That’s about the same level of comfort a those things provide. So, I came home and slept a few hours, and now I'm so far behind my entire driving plan is fucked, and I probably won't get into to Denver until late tomorrow or fucking Tuesday. I'm in so much pain I'm actually considering staying here tonight to try and see an urgent care doctor in the morning. My back and neck were already in bad shape, I am afraid that by the time I get to Denver I'm going to be in a lot of pain. We only drove around 3 hours today, but by the end of drive I had a general overall ache in my neck and head, and I wasn't even driving. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like after 17 hours of holding the wheel, seated in one position, only to turn around and do it again 4 1/2 days later, after 3 days of sleeping in the car and on the ground, and 1, maybe 2 in a bed. Not really a scenario to look forward to. Did I mention my neck is fucked?

This has already changed the entire schedule of my week and now I'm going to have to come up with a brand new plan. I also had hoped to not have a need to speed, having plenty of time to stop and get rest, that's all out as well. At least I'll save a little money, I suppose. I'm trying to fend off panic attacks due to the uncertainty by reminding myself that I am also going there to calm my nerves. This isn't like the primaries, when there was a fairly strict schedule of when to get there and when to leave. Other than Thursday, I don't have to worry about that on this trip. My three main objectives are to write, take some decent photos, and clear my head so I can eventually offer myself at least the same amount of trust and respect as I give away those who probably don't deserve it. All three are easier said than done.

Sorry, I fucking hate it when a blogger (or anyone) mindlessly talks about themselves, but for me, this is apparently the beginning of a very unknown journey. I have to admit I am 100% in my head at this moment. I’ve got all sorts of reasons not to go, and I’m trying to ignore them. Consider this the first entry of my trip diary, I have no idea how much/if I’m going to keep up with blogging, this stupid shit or otherwise. I'm kind of writing this to remind myself of the fucked up mind frame I'm in, before I’ve even left, and why I'm in it. So hopefully, I won't make the same mistake again.

----------------
Now playing: The Kinks - No More Looking Back
via FoxyTunes