First, this made me smile. What asshole can't accept that there is a biological difference between a 72 year old and 46 year old? They can (and will) just as easily make jokes about Obama's "youth". It's not to say McCain shouldn't be discriminated against, it's just a good example as to why the republican's started this PC game that they force everyone to play in the first place. They have no scruples about playing both sides, and the media never calls them on it. However, they also know that the Democrats can't play both sides, lest they get called out on it by the Republican's AND the media. It's amazing the power this country has handed over to a bunch of greedheads who act like fucking children, then as the proper shots are taken back in their direction they use the poor, the elderly, black people, brown people, and children as their shield. Or Americanism, since to the corporatist right, ALL of those folks get tightly wrapped up in flimsy fucking box called "patriotism", which they've also redefined to an absurd level, and we just fucking let them. Anyway...
( I cannot find, nor remember where this was referred from, if I do, I'll post it)
Also, I know I haven't apologized in awhile, and it just feels like it's about time.
I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm physically tired all the time and doze off periodically throughout the day, all the time lately, even if I've had enough sleep. I'm completely addicted to sugar like I was when I was a kid, and just generally an overwhelmed mess outside of the 4-5 hours of evening when I'm with my girl during the week days. I'm trying to knock shit out and get on a writing schedule, but I everything I write is horrible (see the above paragraph, for example), so it's hard to get or stay motivated. I feel like shit for all the selfish self loathing, so unproductive, but I don't remember how to stop it anymore, it's almost always just there. I used to do something creative or exercise, nothing helps anymore. Just keeping busy makes me stuff it, and I can't do that forever. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I'm afraid to stop writing, because I'm afraid I won't get it back again, but I also feel like it's a complete waste of time because I suck at it. I just know I'm tired of being numb or down during much of the time during the day or late at night that I have to get shit done. I'm tired of only being happy when I'm around my daughter (that 's too much pressure for a 3 year old!). I want to learn how to not spend my "free" time pinpointing all of the shit that is wrong with me that I need to be fixed, instead accepting, while trying to improve upon the flaws that I have. I honestly, truly don't remember how to do that. Thanks to whomever is (or was) reading this stuff, I'm sorry because I feel like I'm fully committing here, which makes me feel like a dick, so until I can manufacture a little confidence/worth, I might be posting less. I know I've said that before, and hopefully, maybe I just need this challenge for myself, but I'm really tired, overly sensitive, and overly emotional. Did I mention tired? And I can't blame PMS. Just too much shit going on, not a lot of support, everyone has their own shit to deal with. Whatever I do, I'll do the best I can. I really am just so fucking drained, in every way. I've had some vivid dreams about past loss and pain lately, so as much as I'd love a good night's sleep, I don't look forward to waking up with those odd, unexplainable, melancholy images and dream dialog puzzles. It bleeds into the day. There are just a few people I really fucking miss. A lot. Some no longer with us, some just lost to me. I just don't like to feel the pain all of the time.
I'll figure it out, I just wanted to let the nice people* who read this shit know that I'm going to try, but until I get the vacation I need I might not be posting a whole lot.
Sorry and thanks.
*disclaimer: What I don't need is some snoopy asshole (s) lurking here to repeat 1/2 understood information to other people that don't really give a shit about politics, this blog, or me outside the confines of a gossip circle. If this fits your description, piss the fuck off already. If you're not sure, just ask, I'd be happy to let you know where you stand.
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Now playing: Broken Social Scene - Stars and Sons
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