Fuck The Fear

I got a kind of unexpected punch in the face first thing this morning, so I'm in a bit of a foul mood. I am hoping I am leaving for Iowa today, home for a night and a day, and then leaving for New Hampshire, but I am counting on outside circumstances to fall into place, all of which are up in the air, and, of course, I can't get a hold of ANYBODY right now. At the very least I am going to New Hampshire this weekend, probably leaving no later than Sunday morning, it'll take about 16 hours as long as there is no major weather system in my way; I may just try to maneuver around it, if that's the case. I have no idea what my plan is, only an outline of ideas & questions, but I do know my way around New Hampshire and feel very comfortable there, so the anxiety of going there shouldn't exist. I've traveled all over this country and back throughout my life, but have never been to Iowa, and I have a fear of white states. In going to New England, I already have a fictional story about such a trip I've been working on for two years, I’ll get to got through NYC in the winter time, and maybe get to see a Rangers/Flyers game, at fucking MSG (!), on my way back. So, throwing a trip together today, to come back here Friday night only to leave Sunday morning, doesn't seem feasible to me, especially considering I don't know who the hell will take care of my daughter for 7 days. But for some reason, I'm still sitting here trying to make it work, so we'll see. I still haven't found a doctor for anti-anxiety meds, so I'm avoiding panic attacks instead of tackling them, and that never lasts too long. Sooo, there's that. Oh and I've never gone anywhere by myself, ever. I've certainly never traveled farther than an hour and a half away from my baby, and I've never been away from her for more than 36 hours. It makes my throat seal up just thinking about it. So, yeah, this is a pretty personal post, but what the fuck do I care? None of this is news to anyone who knows me, anyway; well, except for the part about me going to Iowa and New Hampshire. Onward rickety approach.

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