I feel like I should share this. I probably already have here in some way at some point, but I'm too lazy to try and search 2327 posts (641 unpublished, including 7 out of the last 10, just sayin'). 

Tomorrow's Harvest may be the most perfect album ever made, it gives you what you need every single listen. Everything Boards of Canada has done up until this point is worth your time (and money). I don't get to see or hear a lot of profound art these days without stumbling upon it. Most days when I'm awake and not working, I'm watching/reading/writing something, usually all at the same time, so I don't stumble across a lot these days.  I tend to go back to certain things, mediums, instances that live in my mind, when it needs to recalibrate. There are only a few albums that are almost other worldly for me. For my dad it was most things Pink Floyd, especially listening to Animals and repeatedly watching Live at Pompeii. He also very much loved A Momentary Lapse of Reason when it came out, as did I since dad made tapes of the album, along with an Alan Parsons Project album for me and my sister.  I was 9...different time.  I can't help but wonder, knowing now that my dad did acid, smoked and grew weed before and throughout my childhood, how fried/high he probably sometimes was when listening to and watching that shit.  He passed a little bit of his love of Pink Floyd on to me and my sister simply because there were many years when some form of Pink Floyd was always on, sometimes woven in with Alan Parsons Project, Yes, Prince, Genesis or Peter Gabriel, but always in the rotation on Dad's nice stereo or on the tv, which was also hooked up to the stereo. The through line is, much like Momentary Lapse, both Cacophony and Tomorrow's Harvest were both created long after both Rudimentary Peni and Boards of Canada had won the respect of their peers and were already at a kind of legendary status amongst those who don't give a shit about mainstream music or "art critics" (I'm not saying critics didn't/don't like them, professional art critics are just fucking useless and detrimental to the creation and freedom of all art).  In my opinion, both are BY FAR their best all around albums, and I genuinely love every single song those entities created before these albums.

I have a few bands that I can never tire of, but can only compare Rudimentary Peni to Boards of Canada in terms of how they affect my brain and mood (although, Zounds and Kinks are up there). Both seemed to have already lived in this universe before anyone had ever even heard them. At transformative times, they helped make sense in the absurdity that debating objective reality and the acceptance of it, or the futile rejection of it, is a constant in our world. To deny that objectivity creates a shared reality is to reject humanity, and ultimately, yourself.  Acknowledging that is what allows us to make better choices as humans, and not put desensitizing faith in what modern man creates to make himself feel alive and relevant. [I am still searching for a better way to say this, I STILL cannot capture it precisely] Having more productive and honest reckonings with ourselves and others lessens the desire to seek out comfort through judgement of humans instead of their available choices. It's that easy, just made to seem out of reach for no good reason. 

Anyway, this kind of art is always hanging in the air, even when it's not on. If you have severe anxiety and decent taste in music, close your eyes sometime, put on comfortable, good headphones (not fucking ear buds, man) and listen to every Rudimentary Peni album from start to finish independently.  Maybe at least up until Pope Adrian the 37th Psychristiatric. I love everything Blinko, Matthews, and Greville do together, I live for the bass and drums just as much as Nick's vocals and lyrics, it's just that a lot of the later stuff is a tougher listen for casual observers. Anyway, then do the same with Boards of Canada.  Probably not back to back. Not only would that take awhile, they're two very different rides that still somehow always end up in the same place. 

It is fucking cold.  The snow isn't stopping. I love this shit, but can't help but recall losing power, hearing transformers popping, falling trees and branches all around and not being able to do anything but sit tight until the sun comes up. At least I have a 20 year old and not a 4 year old now. I am glad we live in a city, we usually don't have to wait too long for restoration because we're off the main roads.  We're also close to a hospital, which provides a little comfort.  It's a more of rural hospital, so not that much comfort.  

It does make me pause to wonder why the fuck am I only looking at property in the middle of nowhere, away from cities and freeways, in what happens to be the four states that are currently being occupied, to varying degrees, by literal white supremacist federal forces/the billionaire fascists' personal paramilitary paid for by us.  Immigrants, Palestinians, Venezuelans, the global south, (...) are being punished because capitalism reached it's peak, wealthy pedophiles got too lazy and comfortable, and the billionaire-class hate themselves so much they want to torture and murder us all for reminding them what horrible, useless people they are. Those groups have been paying for the people not lying down and going along with fascism and oppression, or really it's because those who present themselves as the power brokers on the left or as decent human beings protecting humanity for nefarious purposes, very publicly won't do anything to stop it in its tracks, because ultimately, they're ok with it. It's very much still, 'guys, trust us, it's going to swing back the other way because that's what happens in history. You're all very privileged and predictable. Just wait until the NEXT election.' That's what happens when you send privileged kids to privileged schools, they don't learn anything but billionaire/Epstein class talking points and graduate top of their class for it. Afterward, they're hired to work in law and consulting firms, then appointed as judges or become the heads of lobbying groups, and/or become politicians for a brief time before going right back to the same lobbying and consulting firms. Eventually, they contribute even more privileged kids of their own, who were destined to repeat the same steps before they were born, and so it continues until someone, or a great many someones say this is enough.

This is all very 2001-2002.  They just realized they can make up any "touchstone" launching point whenever they want because enough Americans are sufficiently stupid, distracted or uninterested.  Buying entire media conglomerates and spending millions (billions?) for bots and trolls are no longer just good business practices, now it's more out of necessity to maintain power since the wealthy Pedo-Nazis have been forced into a premature coming out party. On the other hand what's in motion has probably, in some way, been in the works since at least July of 2006. The fallout plan is just being facilitated and managed by incompetent and privileged sycophantic dumbshits. Meanwhile, the democrats always seem to find themselves pacified or voluntarily choked by money, power, potential blackmail, and their love of outdated platitudes that don't fit in this century, if they ever did.  The working class, students, the elderly, disabled folks are told to ignore the "legal" corruption and strange bedfellows.  Your only power is to "just vote, stupid" or you're useless, or worse, enemies of the party.  And don't you dare organize or you'll be labeled as enemies of the state.

You know why none of this shit works anymore in spite of all of the money and power in the world? Why fascism is always the inevitable outcome for "both parties"?  Because they know no one really wants what they're actually selling.  I don't mean what they say they're selling, that's all pro-consumer, pro-capitalist slave propagandist bullshit.  Unfortunately, many do buy that shit, which is why we're always in the same predicament. I mean, do you know why it's so important to make sure no one ever really wants to know about the actual outcomes and consequences of their direct/indirect actions/inaction and participation in capitalism?  We, just like the overwhelming majority of species on this planet, aren't inherently violent and sadistic.  Some believe the best defense is offense earnestly, it's just most people, whether they think they agree with that sentiment or not, don't want to inflict (non-consensual) pain or death onto another human. Most of us want to help people when they need it, especially if they are in pain.  We aren't supposed to know or think about the fact that the international economic/political system that rules over us and controls our government and justice system requires rewarding and amplifying detached and indifferent psychopathy and direct and indirect violence.  Efficient, misanthropic, violent psychopathy is peak capitalism. It is, and has always been the end game.  As long as the West is educated or forced to believe Democracy=Capitalism, or more accurately, Capitalism>Democracy, those who have all the power through generations of coercion and stolen blood money will willfully, enthusiastically defend elevating the most dangerous wealthy criminals as the most important humans, because they've lazily decided that it's kill or be killed.  Ignoring that is a choice they're making for all of us, not an inevitability. They don't actually believe in the strength of their own system either, they just need it long enough to horde as much money money as possible to be sure they're the ones doing the killing.  They want to get to choose who lives and dies, because in order to live like indifferent monsters, they've had to convince themselves they're prophets and gods.  

The people who do not value collective life at all are always the ones who can't stop trying to convince everyone they care about the concept of life more than anyone else and only they and their disciples truly get it.  In the same breath as blessing an arbitrary piece of stolen land with borders created solely to divide and conquer, they're cheering for the unspeakable deaths and torture of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of children, the elderly, women, men, and everyone in between.  The self-ordained holy and righteous only require tepid reassurance that the conditions are right. That is, if they haven't been told it's simply the will of their god(s), making any atrocities not only ok, but necessary and blessed. The exclusive deciphering of its/his/her/their intention can conveniently only be performed by an appointed human or come from very intentional interpretations of ancient texts, drenched in other fallible human perspectives and biases. I believe a great many of the people who buy or accept this shit -- if they weren't so purposely detached from the rest of us -- don't actually want the responsibility, gu ilt, or repercussions of causing people death and or great pain. They're just made to believe being oblivious -- or faithful -- is a virtue. 

As a species we abhor torture not solely because we fear the physical or psychological pain ourselves, but also because we recognize the dangerousness and unpredictability of a mind that can carelessly inflict that kind of unbearable pain on another living being. Often those who obsess over defending the use of torture or physical/psychological pain in warfare or the justice system are the same people who are obsessed with dominating and controlling everyone around them.  Some of these people just have undiagnosed, potentially harmless tendencies or kinks that they've been made to feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment about, for not being what they've been brainwashed to believe is "normal". They don't understand what one wants to do in their private/sexual life only has to do with their public life as much as they want it to.  No one has a right to demand to know whether or not a physically masculine male like getting his ass smacked while blindfolded.  Most people are private about what gets them off, it's just hetero-normative marketing that makes them feel shame and the constant need to proclaim like "WE ALL LIKE BIIIG TIIIITS and GETTING OUR DIIIICKSS SUUUUCKED, AMMIRIGHT, GUYS???!!" "Guys will only love you if you put up with their misogynistic bullshit, keep your opinions to yourself and look pretty.  If they don't want to fuck you it's because you need to be thinner and more subservient."  They don't realize they're not only not alone, they're surrounded by people suppressing who they are or what they are into  because of shame that is meant to keep them in line and easily coerced.  This is why they obsess over anything LGBTQIA people do, and want them banished from public life. If I can't be who I am neither can you!  They think sex is carried over into every part of public life because that's how it is for them. The suppression keeps it on their minds all of the time. They don't know how to accept or even compartmentalize that part of themselves, so everyone else pays. They fear and don't know what to do with their urges and secrets, or how to satisfy it in a respectful, consensual, legal manner, so they instead dominate everyone their daily life.  They project their deep shame onto the world because of the fear and/or anger knowing that they've boxed themselves out of a consensual lifestyle that could have satisfied those urges without turning them into an unpredictable, dangerous fucking psychopath at the rest of the world.  

For the rest of them, that is the kink: the double life, the power over others, the secrecy, being above the rules and law, forcing everyone else they can into having to play along in some way with their twisted perspective.  Those are the Patrick Bateman's of the world. Those are the guys I tell my kid to never find herself alone in a room with, and if she comes across a group of them in the wild, back out of the area, and run.  They're why after RvW was overturned in 2022 I bought her a legal belt knife because buying a taser was illegal at her age.  Luckily for the rest of us, there are not a lot of them in the world, but probably exponentially more every day, many getting hired into the white collar crime ring.  With the mix of the current collapse of the concept of normalcy, humanity, and the concentration of wealth of the mentally deranged, their range and impact are purposely amplified under this system and culture.

When someone shoots up a grocery store, and they're the right color, the media wonders should someone have done more to inquire about and treat their mental health problems.  Or at least they used to when they actually still covered mass murder perpetrated upon American citizens.  Meanwhile, entire industries that drive the global economic system thrive and make money off of exploiting people and their resources at their weakest. They hold daily brainstorm meetings to reinvent schemes to keep the population turning on one another using partisan marketing.  They create new ways to profit off of indiscriminately inflicting hardship, pain, or death on large groups of people.  When they do all of these things well, we buy stocks in them. Or more accurately, we hire Patrick Bateman to choose which blood thirsty companies to help pay for our retirement without ever having a care in the world for the profit-first business practices and imperialist philosophy they force upon the world to earn you those few thousand dollars. The detachment from everything is everything.   

This is where COVID came in, it further desensitized people from caring about being responsible for someone else's well-being, health or even death in a very visceral and real way. Apathy was no longer in the abstract it was a concocted act of defiance.  You knew if you went to the store sick without any kind of protection or consideration for who also might be at the store -- since all of the uneducated charlatans who were feeding you bullshit to groom you into their cult were wrong, and all of the basic scientific evidence was right -- you could potentially be guilty of negligent manslaughter.  Then you were made to believe that because you don't feel like being inconvenienced, you must fight for the right to needlessly debilitate or kill someone's grandma or child with an undiagnosed auto-immune disease.  This line of misanthropy continues today with ICE.  Incidentally, or maybe not so much, they are legally encouraged to wear those things that you were willing to kill for in arbitrary protest so that they don't suffer legal consequences when they murder American citizens.  This is in addition to the laws that say it's ok to kill protestors if they might make you late to work.  If we hadn't already been dehumanizing and carving out certain sects of people as human rights exceptions for the greater good for decades, or hundreds of years, to begin with, it wouldn't have come so easily.  I'm looking at you blue-no-matter-whoers.

I don't know why that is in the middle of this post, but I'm keeping it.

Rudimentary Peni - Cacophony - fastest 42 minutes and 39 seconds of your life.  At least it always is for me. I always feel like it's over so quickly, and yet it's their longest album. I think. I don't know, I'm too lazy to go in the other room and look at my albums/EPs on iTunes. Other than my child, this album is probably the greatest thing I got from my ex.  I'm lucky that I don't associate it with him in any way while listening to it, would have been devastating to ruin it. First time I heard it was comparable to taking acid for the first time in the way it activated my brain. At least up until the peak I experienced, which transitioned into a bad trip pretty quickly because we smoked a joint that was unknowingly laced with PCP.  I'm still glad I experienced it - just maybe wish it was not at 14. Anyway, I had drawn a short, crude storyboard for turning this into an animated short film using Nick Blinko's art as a foundation within a year of hearing it.  I would still like to do it. I've been listening to this, and all Rudimentary Peni, ever since (1994). 

[This is not background music, initially. It requires your attention. But it can be eventually.]  

Very different routes to get to there, but the same sentiments can be said for this album. They share almost nothing and yet so much. 

 Boards of Canada - Tomorrow's Harvest

Also.  I am writing.  A LOT.  More than I have in years.  When I want to be inspired by and write about the current fascist wave in the West, I sit down to get it on the page. I get a good start, but I hit a wall when it intersects with some unknown personal trauma in my brain or some other bullshit I get stuck on.  Not a journalist, obviously.  I've been having all of these vivid fucking memories I had not really accessed for more than 30 years because at the time, I was encouraged to shove shit aside in order to be able move on, even though I thought I had kind of already moved on at that point.  I was supposed to leave all of it and them behind, even if the person(s) encouraging the burying had no intention of doing so themselves.  Stuffing trauma has a successful track record in history, I'm sure that was the correct way to handle it. I was 16 and had no desire or tools to try to unpack all of the shit that had happened over the previous several years.  So I just drank, a lot, and smoked weed.  For about 6 years.

Anyway, when I start to write I end up writing 15 fucking pages of shit that kind of comes rushing into my brain, but in colorful fragments and pieces that are sometimes loud, or muffled and distant, sometimes muted, almost dreamlike at first. Until they're not.  At some point in the mad scramble to write, they become crystal clear and details start to flood in.  Specific lighting that confirms the time of day, my favorite show at the time playing in the background on the tv, so clearly that, with more concentration I might even be able to remember the episode - Roseanne and DJ both wearing blue shirts. The tactile feeling of thick hair between fingers. The crisp air denoted the amount of time that had gone by, the color of a jacket and ugly pants with nothing else but the audio and dim light of an overhead streetlight. Then back in time again to the smell of cologne mixed with other bodily, environmental, circumstantial scents, and the flash of a swinging of a chain from a weird angle.  I write them out, gaps start to fill, new perspectives are illuminated by the grace of time. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes they become wormholes I have no way to traverse with current information.  It's kind of bizarre how easily and clearly certain benign instances come back, while anxiety inducing things had remained quietly in the background, though I really wish were gone, or at least softer.  Stranger still are the things that I really WANT to remember without any doubt that are still very fuzzy or I just can't really recall clearly no matter what I do. Photos kind of help, some of my old writing might, but I am not ready for all that comes with that yet.  I don't even know what I still have or what was tossed 15 years ago in an act of self preservation, or maybe just cruelty.  Or both. Still haven't been able to make myself go through that stuff.  Soon, though.

I have thought about trying to contact a couple of people who are the only ones who can answer some of the questions I have, but I don't know if it's a good idea for multiple reasons. I'm not looking for confrontation, in fact, the opposite, just some hindsight to fill in details and perspectives, but I don't know that anyone would even care or have a reason to want to help. Or can remember.  Might bring up some destructive shit for me. Or them.  Might not, though.  Could allow me to answer some questions, zip up and bury some old persistent shadows once and for all. Might make things worse. Anyway, it's mostly shit I can't post here.  I can't really put anywhere.  It is what it is, I gotta go with it and take it when it comes.  All I know is I'm working on many projects, I'm more productive now than I have been in a decade or more. I'm not going to question it out of fear that I'll lose it.

If I had "disposable" money I would 100% put this in my cart and seriously think about buying it for several days until it's too late, already sold or until I convince myself there is no way I should spend this much money on something that's not a necessity. 

1/25/26 4:32 PM