Just a small update/explanation for whom, I don't know, I guess the occasional bot hit I get these days. I really don't even get those anymore.  I've actually been blacklisted from visible bots for months. There was a day a few months ago where I got thousands of bot hits, which hasn't happened in a long while, then the next day, nothing, and there's been very little since.  I also don't think my RSS feed works properly anymore anyway. Last I checked it only showed the title of the entry, which is usually nothing, and nothing in the body.  Whatever, what difference does it make if there aren't human eyes looking at it anyway. It's been that way for several years now, which is fine by me since I 1. don't really post much anyway, 2. don't really post anything original of value, 3. try to minimize interaction with humans in any form (that way they can't hurt, ignore, or disappoint you - EZ). 4. In 2007 I never intended anyone other than a couple of people to find/read/ignore, so the immediate eyes I got by being linked on the side bar of the homepage of a very well known/liked Huffpost writer changed the course of what this was intended to be that I never really got comfortable with.  The one person I wanted to find/read/ignore(?) this thing the most has probably never seen it and probably never will.  I'm aware this project is and has always been mostly for me and I only publish shit to keep myself accountable and committed to continue writing.

Anyway, I have been sick for about 7+ months. It is related to upper digestive issues I thought were initiated by 3 separate rounds of antibiotics in about 2 1/2 months. While that may have exacerbated issues, that wasn't the whole story.  After waiting for an appointment for 3 months with my PCP because I can't even see the nurses at my gastro office until May (August to see my gastro MD, I made the appt in November), she started ordering tests and scans to figure out what was going on.  In the process I found out I'm apparently allergic to a lot of food I eat on a daily basis and a HIDA scan showed my gallbladder was filled with "sludge" and only working at 18%.  So they had to schedule "emergency" surgery, but because I didn't have any of the dangerous symptoms yet, it was scheduled out 2 weeks.  That was 4 weeks ago.  My diet before surgery had to completely change because eating anything with fat, spicy or that had anything I am allergic to in it was killing my upper GI. The list of things I cannot eat is painful: wheat/gluten, rice, corn, soy, oats, carrots, tomatoes, sesame, walnuts, peanuts, all things I eat almost daily. In addition to finding out I'm allergic to my 6 indoor cats, 4 feral colony cats that live in a makeshift hut outside, unlike when I was a kid and it was just a few things, I'm now allergic to almost every grass, mold, and pollen they test for.  They also confirmed the dust mite allergy I've had my whole life is as bad as it ever was, which is awesome in a house with this many cats, with their dander and entire sections of rooms (I have a bar that's just a storage area) that have not been touched in months, if not years. Years of old totes were never gone through, so I just stay out of those areas/storage rooms so I don't have to constantly feel like shit that I still haven't touched them.  I have always been a writer and I write lots of crap, letters never finished, given, or sent, pages of frustrations, love, pains, plans, hopes, dreams, all of that silly shit that only mattered to me, no matter how much I hoped it would matter to someone, maybe anyone else. I just don't really have motivation to revisit that pain in those totes, even though I know it would ultimately probably good for me.  We're going to have to start getting rid of shit and packing in the next few months, so it's coming whether I like it or not.  

ANYWAY, I had about a week and half where I felt better than I had in I don't even know how long, but it did not last.  As I started to try to bring different things back into my diet, the GERD came back and now I have esophagitis again.  So I'm back to eating very little, chicken, fish, potatoes, regular and sweet, and all different kinds of squash and dropping tons of weight at a rapid pace.  I don't mind it all that much (the diet), but some days it's depressing because I don't know if I'll ever be able to have treats of garbage food ever again.  We eat really well most of the time, but I do still have occasional garbage cravings. Unfortunately, currently those cravings, even in really small portions, are not worth the pain and discomfort I feel apparently for an indiscriminate amount of time afterward. 

I also want to add that my daughter has been the most amazing help over the past 6 months, to the point of where she cried as we were leaving my follow-up visit when they said I can start trying to get back to normal because she loved taking care of me. It was the sweetest thing, she's the most caring love bunny in the entire world.  I love that kid more than life itself.  I'm trying to think of something nice to do for her or get her that would really make her happy.  I have a few ideas, but I'm taking my time because I want it to mean something to her and I want her to know how appreciated she is. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I couldn't have done any of this without her.

It's been a very weird year.  I've taken care of a lot of big things I had sitting on lists, but then new shit pops up that requires immediate attention and money I don't have. It's been both stressful and freeing.  One thing I found out was when I get really upset or cry, even if I stifle it, and I often try to stifle it, my esophagus swells. I don't know if that's normal or just a symptom of something going on with me, but now when I get emotionally upset it physically hurts me, which is super awesome, since we're all watching a horrific genocide on children and the Palestinian people in color and real time for the past 6 months. This is why my Palestine postings have dropped off and aren't very insightful on my end. I can't spend as much time on Twitter or Instagram, or reading about the genocide in general. I have to stop myself before it starts to really constrict and swell, because it is a scary feeling and can hurt for hours afterward and make it hard to eat, swallow, take my meds/vitamins. The last better part of a year has been hell on my anxiety, but I don't have the time or energy to manage it properly, so it comes at the worst most helpless time, which has made life even harder than it already is.  But for now, I am here in my own home, with my child, my animals, a job, food, heat, and security, so understand I am not complaining, just coping.

On the one hand, I cannot wait to sell this house because the longer I have it the more money I have to put into it.  I also need the money to pay off all of my credit cards since I've put so much medical debt onto them over the past year.  On the other hand I've been at the same job for 12 years and in the same house for going on 9 years, which is the longest stent of stability I've had since I was a young child. I'm terrified of moving to another state trying to find a new home, new job, new life for both of us with no support network.  Fuck for all I know my kid could change her mind and decide to go somewhere else.  I don't see that happening, but I'd have to support her if that's what she wanted. I'm scared of not knowing anyone, and never getting to know anyone because of my crippling social anxiety.  I mostly only interact with and sometimes rely on my mom here, but she's getting older and I honestly wish she'd go with us, but I know she would never be happy, and she would never leave her partner (he'd never even leave his home, let alone the state) and her family anyway. 

I'm still in it, trying to hang until my appt with the gastro nurses next month.  He just changed my prescription (again) today, so hopefully that will help my esophagus heal, and then maybe I can expand my diet a bit. I cannot put a for sale sign on this house until I know that I'm getting past this health shit.  It's pretty frustrating to get a $17000+ (before insurance adjustment) surgery bill and still be dealing with all of the same fucking symptoms.  I might post the bill I got yesterday because the way they micro transaction the fuck out of you is fucking ABSURD.  We'll see, I might just pay the balance and forget it ever existed so it doesn't cause me any more stress.

Really hoping I can get back to a boring life again, just so I can upend it all by moving and changing jobs as the reward.