I just spent the last mother fucking hour and a half chasing a goddamn fly out the door - devising traps and strategies to shoe it out, eventually yelling at it, "get out, you fucking cunt!", periodically begging for the assistance of the once gallant cat, Loki, now a cute, yet useless 13 year old fat-ass, all to no avail. It was tough because the fucker was smart and it had no desire to leave the house (it wanted my sugary Southern iced tea). As a matter of fact, it started to antagonize me by flying right across the screen or at my head every 30 seconds or so as I was trying to write. At that point, I started to believe the little asshole may be destined for death. My little secret (not so much): I may talk tough sometimes, but I don't kill anything unless it's threatening my family. Not a spider, fly, wasp, ants...except for mosquitoes, I'm a brutal dictator when it comes to those bastards, flatten the blood-suckers on contact. Otherwise, there is a no-kill policy in this house, one that no one else abides by, not even the vegetarian (that is, until she recently got addicted to Nausicaä). Trust me, I have no problem defending myself and my family vigorously against anything/anyone, I just don't like to inflict unwarranted pain, physical or otherwise. I just don't see why I should get to decide what lives or dies simply because it had the misfortune of crossing my path.
Anyway, sorry for the light blogging lately, I've been trying to take care of a bunch of stuff before tomorrow when my sister and niece come in to town. It doesn't help that Dell dicked around long enough that I couldn't send in my laptop for repair without knowing for sure that I could get it back in time, so I'm overhauling it instead. Actually, I'm working on both computers at the same time. Doing it that way eats blocks of productive time, which is annoying, but it's easier and quicker in the long run.
I'm leaving Sunday morning. I think I'm going to take my time getting to Denver by taking the lower route up through Colorado Springs since I’ve never been that way before. I'm bringing camping gear, with the hope of tenting it at least one night, somewhere. It doesn't really matter, I haven't a place to stay until Thursday, when I won't be inside Mile High. That is, unless I somehow get really lucky, but I do plan to watch from somewhere close by. I wonder if there will be tailgating? I can sleep in my car until then if I have to, anyway. When I got kicked out as a teenager, I slept in my tiny, uncomfortable '71 Datsun 510 almost every night for two weeks straight, until the engine froze, so my comfy Accord won't bother me at all as long as I can find some sort of shower every other day.
I haven't made any plans yet, all I know is I'm so fucking stressed about the whole thing, I've decided that by the time I hit the Illinois border I'm going to force myself to relax, release all expectations or strict time lines. I've been so fucking depressed and down for too long, my nerves are shot to shit. I feel like complete garbage, and I look it, too, which also doesn't help the confidence. My skin is in such bad shape I look like a meth addict because I can’t keep my hands off my face and arms. For the last week and a half my neck has been so stiff that I can barely turn my head to the left, it’s actually painful all the way down into my shoulder, to the point I have had to contemplate having it looked at. To exemplify why that’s indicative of the level of pain, after all the talk about needing to go to the doctor for several reasons, I still have not gone this year. Made appointments, canceled them last minute. I just hate going, so I ignore stuff instead. Stupid, I know. Oh, the days of indiscriminate drinking seemed so much easier. I'm so drained I don't even get an urge to drink when I'm in a good mood anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of allowing myself to be manipulated by the few who I've wholly trusted, but knew I shouldn't have in the first place, or again, continually making up reasons and excuses for others. I hate feeling so subhuman, like something resembling a public heavy bag...sucker, idiot, asshole. I'm just so goddamn tired of not caring about anything other than my cupcake out of defense of my own well-being. And crying. I'm extremely tired of being emotional.
These things are what I'm hoping to leave behind for good in the Rockies, along with the influence of those few lecturing, know-it-all, egotistical assholes (who, in reality, don't have a fucking clue). I plan to write, but the crap that comes out may be too personal to post. Not because I’m concerned about spewing my shit to strangers, that's easy, but because of the intentions of a few others that may read it. I honestly don't think anyone would give a shit one way or the other, save for possibly a few people who give a little shit for all the wrong reasons. We'll see. The sooner I accept the fact that more than likely, humans will let me down every fucking time, the sooner I'll get rid of any minimal expectations I may hold for others and those lofty unrealistic standards that I keep for myself, which always make me feel like shit when I'm unable to meet them. I'm hoping this mindset will go into effect somewhere before St. Louis. I just want to get into those Mountains and eventually to Woody Creek, even if it’s only for a day. The weather is supposed to be absolutely perfect and it'll be good for my soul to feel the mid to low forties at night. If I can't learn how to be OK with myself while I’m out there, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.
If anyone has any Colorado/Kansas suggestions regarding must-sees, camp grounds, or general tips email me (on the sidebar).
For some background, what I wrote last week:
What's awesome is those that were so seemingly supportive of me going to Iowa, NH, SC, Pennsylvania are now wondering, "if you're not getting in, why are you going?" This, despite the fact that I began planning the trip in February and didn't even know there was a slim chance of me getting in until a month ago. So really, as much as I got my hopes up for no fucking reason, the plan wasn't to be inside the convention to begin with. The objective was to talk to all of the people who flock to Denver during those few unprecedented days, to take a historic snapshot of a moment in time. I am so not looking forward to a week entirely alone, at all. I know what it feels like to drive a long way full of excitement and anticipation only to bluntly be reminded it's all about work, and not much fun at all when you experience it all by yourself (and are socially awkward). I also recall what it's like to make a long drive back completely in my head, unable to write any of the crazy or insightful shit that was flying through my brain at a million miles per hour. I may use my mp3 player/digital recorder, but I always feel like such a douche speaking into it, even if I'm alone. There is a possibility of staying through Saturday morning, giving myself an extra day to write since I already have a room through Sunday anyway, I just don't know yet. The only drawback is the longer I wait to leave, the more likely it is that I'll talk myself into a panic attack about the long drive back. This will basically be two full days of driving in less than 6 days mixed with who knows whatthefuck in between. I got what I asked for, I guess, I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I suppose I'll have to be. No expectations=No disappointments.
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Now playing: Maxïmo Park - I Want You To Stay
via FoxyTunes
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