Posting

Hi. I know I haven't posted a whole lot lately, I apologize, and I just wanted to express that I'm aware of it and am not just simply being careless, or taking any patronage for granted. It's complicated, but it's actually quite the contrary. There are several reasons for my inconsistency, which I will explain later in a likely long convoluted rambling post. Part of the reason, currently, is that I'm a little blocked. My inspiration is lost to me right now. I don't know what happened. I'm not sure of anything right now, I don't know what's what, and I have little to no confidence in anything I'm doing. I'm hoping with the few major changes I'm attempting to make, all that bullshit will change soon. Last night, listening to my sister explain what my dad had just said to her about feeling paralyzed a year ago when he lost his house and had limited options because of his bad credit and mental state, it scared me in an unexpected way. While I'm clearly not in his situation, I could totally relate, and that shocked me a little. He said he had felt like he was in a tunnel and wasn't sure where or when to turn, as he was afraid of making a mistake. He feared the major change he was forced to make, leaving the house he grew up in and a lot of what was in it, even though he had to have known it was the best thing for him. I've never been one to be afraid of change, quite the opposite, but allowing myself to be understanding and accepting of where my fear comes from in me has been really hard. I've been in the same relationship for 14 years, since I was 16, and overall in a really mentally unhealthy situation back in KY for 7 years now. The move back to KY was supposed to be a temporary one, and instead we kept taking steps to solidify our stay here long after we were supposed to have left. I've tried here, I really have, but this place was never for me, which is why in 1991, at 13, I tried to persuade my mom to consider the move to CA in the first place (that is, until I realized it meant leaving my dad for an undetermined amount of time). My only hope of staying is to find a job that allows me to travel, and since I have no skills that would allow me to do that, I don't see how that's even an option. And this is how my mind spins constantly right now, there's no peace and quiet. I could go on and on. Anyway, will explain later, I just wanted it to be known, as of this moment for me, my personal, family, and professional life are completely uncertain, and I just can't really concentrate on writing, or much of anything at all. I'll do the best I can, but please don't expect much.

For anyone who has been reading my stuff for awhile, an update on my dad: He is doing well and is hoping to eventually buy the house he just recently moved into. He has most of his VA benefits now and has a new, however slowly evolving, outlook on life. It's amazing what a little deserved help from Uncle Sam, change of scenery, and physical and mental uncluttering, can do for one's confidence and optimism. I'm hoping to reestablish some sort of relationship with him, with no expectations, so that my daughter can have a grandfather in her life.

Also, I missed Louis C.K. on Unmasked today, so I went to XM Radio to see if there was any option to listen online, and maybe I'm the last to know, but you can get a free 3 day XM Radio trial subscription almost instantly (you don't need anything but an email address). It's an excellent interview, I'm glad I temporarily signed up.

More soon.

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