Good godammit, why the fuck did I turn on MSNBC this morning? Fuck, I hate Joe Scarborough, but I would love the opportunity to punch Gene Simmons in his bloated, fugly face. I mean I grew up listening to that crap just like anyone else, I had my KISS cassettes (which I can no longer listen to because of my hate for Simmons), and I even agree with him about legalizing prostitution, but he's the last person to talk as if he's not part of the dick brigade that promotes free whores known as groupies. I respect a prostitute a hell of a lot more than some fucking dumbass who's only going to get paid in the form of an autograph and a load shot in her eye. I 'd have more respect for my daughter if as an adult she became prostitute or stripper (after I beat her ass and dragged her home) than if she fucked some frog-faced freak like that for nothing. Eulch, I've never understood why the fuck that man is appealing. I know I am not the only woman who is not impressed by that tongue or any dumbfuck who would--eww-- flick it-- yuck-- at any woman, that thought makes me feel like I should have a little taste of throw up in my mouth. Just hearing that idiot's voice almost changed my decent mood. He gives me the willies, and I can smell him through the television. Strong aftershave, overpriced cologne, hair product, and a medicine cabinet doesn't smell good.
My nerves are much better today, I think the sugar cravings are wearing off, but it's probably partially because I don't have my daughter today. After living with my niece at this age (almost 3 1/2) I was prepared for the horrible three's, but man it sucks when you don't get to return to being the aunt. You're always mom, the natural enemy at least half of the time to a 3 year old learning to assert herself and figuring out boundaries and buttons. In a way it's kind of helped me get my head together even while she's driving me nuts because I don't have a choice but to stay calm, no matter how crazy and demanding she gets. I knew it wasn't going to be easy raising a child who you want to question authority, which currently means me, but knowing that isn't really a comfort now. Since her dad is just now learning how to not give her everything she wants (we'll see how that goes) she's pissed about it and tests us constantly. Today, I felt a little guilty to be a little relieved watching her walk out the door to go to daycare this morning. If you've never had to deal with a 3 year old who is stuck on getting what they want, whatever that may be, I don't know how to describe it other than it really is like a skipping record. Not because they simply ask for the same thing they know they can't have over and over again, every once in awhile you can calm them down and distract them, but only until they find the next scratch and get stuck in that unreasonable request that quickly becomes a demand. No matter what you give them, they'll want something else. And if you can't calm them down or distract them early on, if you stick with it, and you have to, it can last off and on all day if you start reacting off of one another's moods. And the other side to that is when she's not seeing just how far a mile really is, she's cuddly, sweet, loving, and totally cooperative. Kids are a fucking mind fuck. I'm pretty proud of myself, no tears from me, though, she hasn't broken me...yet.
One AWESOME thing about not drinking soda or eating refined sugars, while I'm finally almost over my month-long lung shit: I feel like I'm getting my singing voice back for the first time in years. I might not sound great, but I have to sing, it's what we all do in my family. Belting it out when you're alone makes you feel free even when everything else tells you you're not.
I *might* do this once a day to get the "juices" flowing. What an odd saying. I've figured out that I can write and write and write for hours, but I get easily distracted and what I'm working on eventually gets shoved to the side, or down the page, if I don't post my frustrations. As a result, just recently I have 20-30 pages of ramblings and notes that are undeveloped ideas and thoughts. I've found that, as stupid as it may sound, I feel proud when I finish an edited post, even if it's something as dumb as this simply because of the feeling of accomplishing something that isn't vacuuming, dusting, filing, or organizing. This silly shit helps me to get back to feeling comfortable writing about external/world issues. And I'm trying hard to not feel bad about posting this stupid shit here, since it is my blog and all, but trust me before I post ANYTHING big or small, personal or not, I stare at it for a bit and almost delete it. I do delete them before I post them all the time, and every once in awhile, after. Hopefully this will help to keep me from doing that. I promise once I get back in a rhythm I won't anymore. I don't want to end up like this guy.
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Now playing: Various - Black Voices - Tony Allen
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