ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzz.....Rambling

Holy shit, I guess I needed some sleep. I just slept off and on all day for probably 10 accumulative hours. And really, I could go back to sleep right now. I had this overwhelming feeling that I've just had enough today. Just enough. If I don't give a shit about myself I sure as fuck can't count on anyone else to. It's always fucking hard not being direct, playing other people's games when the end result is the same, for me anyway. If you can't tell, I don't like to dick around or spend too much stagnant time in my head, so if I feel like I'm spinning my wheels while sacrificing too much, the gears grind to a halt. So, I guess I went to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I love the people in my life, that's part of the problem, there's just a divide that will probably always stay parallel, that's what's so frustrating. I just feel like I'm too fucking sensitive for all this shit going on in all of our lives right now, and I'm tired of feeling like something is wrong with me just because I'm "sensitive". Such a dirty word around here (I've truly been taught to hate it, which I have to fight constantly). I'm not depressed, I'm not anxiety ridden, nor sad, just zapped. Physically drained. So, I guess my body needed lay down for awhile without the ever-present distraction/vice of sex, although who the fuck knows what I dreamt about for 10 hours.
I haven't written anything of substance, lately, I hate everything I have written. It's hard to edit with out slashing through it. I haven't picked up a brush or pencil in the last week; I just have nothing left in the emotional tank. Incorrectly so or not, I always feel like I'm leaving everything out there for nothing other than for other people the shit on, take advantage of, or laugh at (not here, in general). Doesn't change the fact that I can't help but project my shit outside of my body no matter how much I fight it. Though, I understand that there will always be people that don't know how to deal with un-avoidance. Story of my life. So, after awhile of swimming in the same old shit, I selfishly take it inwards and eventually withdraw from those people/things causing me uneasiness/unrest/pain if I feel I can't confront them on it. Unfortunately, it may mean I withdraw from this too, so far I'm still here, though. Right now is one of those times I really wish I didn't live in a shitty neighborhood so I could go for a walk. Although, I wish that I didn't live here every waking hour.

I'll spare you the full dream gibberish, but I remembered that right before I woke up I was having a dream that this sheriff from my hometown, who everyone knew for being a dick and having nothing better to do with his time than fuck with teenagers, was chasing me. All over the fucking country-side. It was never discussed why, just a general panic of being chased for no other reason than because this asshole wanted to harass me for something stupid that I had already taken care of (which was what the Oldham County sheriff was also known for). Someone said, "Why don't you just stop and find out what he wants?", I replied, "Because people like that never want anything good." Which sounded a lot like my tough as nails, fuck-you-if-you-don't-like-it grandmother's words, who has recently been affected by a rapid form of dementia (exacerbated by a leak in her furnace that may have been there for years, if you live in an old home, have your seals checked people). What I took from that dream? I need a solid outline and plan to get the fuck out of this town. It's soul-sucking. I don't think that was the point, though, if there was one.

When I awoke, there was at least some good news. It has been determined that Senator Ted Kennedy had a seizure and not a stroke. I just hope the seizure doesn't indicate something more serious. Ted Kennedy is one of those figures that many won't understand how important he and his presence is until he's gone. I mean, we all love him (if you're not left-leaning, I have a hard time imagining you're reading this), but when he came out for Obama, swinging, at just the right time, I had even more respect for him than I did before, and that's saying a lot. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery.

The spot in the middle of my field of vision is really noticeable and getting on my nerves right now, and since I haven't turned on the Xbox in months, I'm going to add a share, then I'm gonna go shoot some Nazi's.


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