Public Panic

This is what a public panic attack reads like. I don't have them very often, but this was my first night out by myself in probably 10 years, and first night leaving my daughter home alone with her tired dad. This was during a somewhat recent time when me and my family were going through a lot of compiled shit, and I wasn't handling it very well below the surface. Panic attacks were what resulted. At the time I didn't believe I'd had one since high school (I was wrong, I didn't know that throwing up and hyper-ventilating while you're crying can be a panic attack). I just sat at my table outside writing every thought the passed through my mind while waiting for my friend to show up (incidentally, it's the same place I might be going tomorrow for Obama's viewing party if he doesn't have an election results party in IN). He didn't keep me waiting very long, but it seemed like an eternity since it felt like someone was standing on my chest, my fingers were twitching noticeably, and my heart was beating at a rapid pace. I don't know if anyone else will be entertained by this, but my friend was supportive of it, but that may be because he was there. The editor (the dude) wanted me to put in punctuation, I did a little bit. I have a problem with that because I don't like the way it reads. I haven't taken a poetry class, that's not what it's supposed to be, they're just random thoughts. That said, I might still edit the punctuation, but not right now. I'm only posting it because I ran across it looking for something else.

Panic

Why are they laughing?

Digits won’t stop shaking

The more I try, the more they shake.

It's everything that I left at home

Heart beating

Fingers numb

Tires screech

Regret is creeping in

Return to safety.

See it through,

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Relax.

How could I forget my safety net?

Why is tonight any different?

Dressed too warmly for this heat.

Listen to the water, ignore the loud engines.

Don’t watch the clock.

Why did I buy a sour spirit?

Trying to avoid a sour mood?

Are these punks?

Seem to be.

Am I in common companionship?

Calming now,

Yet still can’t breathe.

The clock won’t change.

11:18.

Still.

Even still.

11:19.

Close to calm.

Sitting in the dark corner under the umbrella

11:19 PM.

What’s the difference, what’s the difference?

Zit on my neck, must be getting better.

Chest doesn’t hurt,

The story still too raw,

Too graphic in nature

Mind fucking necessary

Many people just left.

Must be a starting point,

Or an ending.

Waitress respectfully(?) ignoring me.

Took five minutes to park, or it seemed that way

Stupid thoughts creeping in,

Better than scary ones.

I want to bring my loved ones here, but afraid to be here alone.

Patrons exit in twos, more getting checks.

Is this place dangerous?

It doesn’t feel wrong, but it’s not right.

I can’t learn how to operate alone

Without being alone

Man, that sucks.

Bartender nice, but makes a shitty LIT

11:29.

Hurry up, time.

I sat in the dark.

Didn’t back up my hard drive

But I brought a knife.

These people don’t want to be watched

Who does, really?

Oh, A Birthday!

How exciting! (sarcasm)

Man, why can’t I live in Vancouver?

Where I could spark up a joint

As needed.

Fuck!!!!!

Why is it coming back?

I can envision her being just fine

I know it to be true

Why must I second guess?

Shake

Lurch

Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m here.

Alone.

Much harder than I thought.

Thought I’d be writing away.

About something other than this stupid shit.

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