What a horrible fucking day to have to turn around. The "news" isn't helping. I look like shit, I feel like shit in every sense of the word, and unlike ol' Hil', who believes Pennsylvanians aren't rightfully bitter, they're just double-fisting alcoholics, I can't even blame any substances. Not even caffeine or sugar. If the past few weeks are any indication, I suspect that'll be her next ill advised excuse- 'I was just shit faced, not senile. Yeeeah, that's the ticket! I have a drinking problem!'.
It's fucked up when you're trying to take care of yourself but you feel the same all encompassing shittiness that you did when you didn't give really a fuck. Not a battle to be won anytime soon, it seems.
Next Saturday night I leave for PA and I have absolutely no fucking idea what the hell I'm doing yet. I have never had to cover so much ground in so little time, and I haven't been to another town yet that has had so many things/places that I want to see like there are in downtown Philly. I hope to get there Sunday afternoon to give me plenty of time through Wednesday, but nothing at all is solidified at this time. Nothing, which is starting to freak me out. I need a day of decisions, and I need elusive sleep to get it. I'm not really looking forward to this trip at all. It's a long fucking drive and I still don't have a clue where I am sleeping while I'm there. Right now, to save money, I am seriously considering tenting it. The weather is supposed to be warm enough, and I can handle the rain. I just can't afford those insane Philadelphia prices. If I stay in a hotel on primary day, like I'm hoping to, it's going to cost me no less than $100 to stay just the one night five miles out of the city by the airport, at what appears to be a dive. With gas being so expensive right now, I just can't afford to pay that price at least 3 days in a row. It'll end up being a $1000+ trip, and I don't have that kind of money (or credit) to spend. It'll all be worth it, though, on Tuesday night, no matter what happens, because the high I got from being around all those stranger-friends was only somewhat paralleled in my human social experience by the punk/oi! shows I went to in my teens/early twenties. When I watch my rally videos I still feel connected to all of those people, I mean I really took note of each of the kind folks around me; each rally gave me faith in humans again in some way, and unfortunately, I often need that. And I know now that I really enjoy taking historical/wannabe professional photographs, and I'm not too terribly horrible at it (it’ll be sooo nice to not have to wait 15 minutes for the lenses to warm up). I'm trying to pump myself up here, can you tell? Every time I think about the trip, the first thing that pops in my head is, 'Nine hours there, nine hours back...nine fucking hours back." At least it's an interesting drive, the landscape doesn't look like a Hanna Barbera cartoon looping in the background.
At least there is good news on the Denver front. A best friend of the editor, another rabid Obama supporter, just got through the second round to be a state delegate. Now he just has to get elected, which would be awesome, not just for him from his perspective, but selfishly, because it would be nice to have someone in Denver that I know while I'm there. Since his accident, my cousin hasn't been ready or able to return back home to the Edwards area, and it would be weird to call his friends at this point. It's still very fucking bizarre and humbling to be in a big city completely without companionship, especially for someone who has only traveled alone, near or far, exactly three times in their entire lifetime, each only propelled by the need to believe in something. Each trip was hard, but necessary to experience by myself in order to fully reap the rewards. The DNC will be much different, though, it’s fairly likely I will end up hanging out with fellow democrats during that trip, regardless of any circumstances, or social anxiety. If each of the preceding rallies were transcending, I can only imagine what the atmosphere in Denver will be like, even if I can't get in to the actual convention. So, good luck lawyer-guy, it’ll be nice to have the chance to have a drink and celebrate with a familiar, like-minded individual who I can trust (right? :) we've got all spring and summer).
Overall, no major panic yet. Hopefully all of this bullshit is just related to nerves and PMS or something. With each passing day that I don’t get some real fucking sleep I am more useless than I was the previous day, which just doesn’t really seem possible, as I hit new discouraging lows every single day.
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Now playing: The White Stripes - Little Cream Soda
via FoxyTunes
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